Fluctuation at it’s Finest.

I dont know why my progression seems to flucuate so much. Some days feel close to effortless and others I feel like I have to remind myself a thousand times that this is actually real. On those days, most of my mental capacity is wasted on the hours it takes to convince myself that I am going to be okay…and still i continue to doubt.

This Friday I had to go to a show at his work. It wasn’t as awful as i expected, but the after affects are brutal. He came up and hugged Callie and I after he heard that we had gotten there and I gave him the lightest hug i have ever given another individual in my whole life. The rest of the night, and the other 25 times that I had to either see or walk past him, I did an excellent job of diverting my eyes. I didn’t mean to come off so cold, but after after two years of forming a future with him in my head I cant seem detach my emotions for long enough to pretend that Im okay with just being friends. Is there really a point in faking it? And then there is the part of me that is using my ability to abstain from being a part of his life as a tool to hurt him because that is exactly what he did to me. I don’t have any say in the status of the relationship that he and I share, so I refuse to give him the power to pick and choose what parts of me he wants. Call it immature or childish if you will, but I don’t see why I should be looking out for anyone’s feelings other than my own. He stopped caring about the way i felt a long time ago. If protecting myself means hurting him, then I choose myself.

Data Entry

There is something about data entry that just puts my mind to easy. Under any other circumstances I despise numbers; however, entering data is mindless…exactly what I’ve been looking for.

I decided today that I was being a baby and that I need to start putting my effort into my own life instead of concentrating on his. It makes me want to puke just saying this (because I feel that people who do this are very immature), but I deleted him, his new girl, and his new girl’s friend from my facebook account.  I’m just done looking at them and comparing myself to the new girl. I’ve been through some pretty intense things in my short life and since he left me I have been convinced that my past is a burden to anyone who meets me. That was the impression I got from my ex..that talking about the fact that my older sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor 2 years ago (when she was only 20) and now is, and may forever remain, in a wheelchair, half blind from extensive brain damage, with no friends, or the fact that my mom has to take care of her all by herself, as well as work to support me in college the best she can were topics too depressing for conversation. Talking about these things got on Josh’s nerves because he felt like it was a mood killer and an attempt on my part to gain pity.

I know depressing conversation..I have had to counsel my mom out of suicide countless times over the past couple years even when I was as much on the death bandwagon as she was. But, above all of this, Josh didn’t understand my feelings about the most important person and experience of my life…losing my sun, my grandma. After my grandma had a stroke when I was 16 (she was 94) I started going over to her house every night to cook her dinner, watch TV, and make sure she safely made it into her bedroom. Those stupid walkers that they give you are impossible and dangerous to say the least- she fell while using it all of the time). But it quickly became apparent that she needed round the clock care. We converted my mothers master bedroom into a little suite for her and we would all take turns taking care of her (ie rolling her once she was bedridden, feeding her, giving her her meds, keeping her comfortable, changing her gowns ect). Hey, she had done all of those things for me when I was younger..that was the least i could do. My grandma was truly my best friend. My parents divorced when I was 1 and I moved with my mom, my brother, my two sisters, and my grandma from Va to Fl to start over. I have never really had a relationship with my dad and one person’s attention (my mom) cant be divided among 4 people without someone feeling gipped. My grandma and I did everything together and I would give everything I have to go back for a day, fuck, a minute. Anyways, we took care of her for several years..even during my sisters diagnosis and the 6 months she spent in a coma after her first brain surgery. Watching my grandma suffer everyday as her body deteriorated was the hardest thing i’ve ever done. Listening to her tell me she was frightened because she thought that at that very minute she was dying was horrible. And when things got really bad, having to sit with her as she begged for death was even worse. But having to exist on the days when she didn’t remember my name was by far the worst. All of this makes up exactly who I am today and Im done apologizing for having been through events in my life that aren’t exactly the uplifting or simple. Every person in my family is beautiful straight down to their soul and thats more than I can say for some on Pebble Court.

This is an entry I have had saved in my drafts for a while now. I did and thought all of those things about a week ago. July is going great so far. I redid my room and bathroom and it doesn’t feel anything like it use to…i can breathe. God I feel sorry for all those girls who feel like their college relationships are going to work out. Here is some advice: Spend this time getting to know yourself. Focus on becoming the person that you have always dreamed of because then when you do meet the person that you are supposed to be with you will be ready and they will love the person that you are not this person still in transition. Why are you going to waste your time getting attached to someone whose dreams probably wont look a thing like yours in ten years. Let’s stop being so love sick and get logical.

Sweet Disposition.

I have been sitting my room since 1 pm today attempting to study for a huge sensation and perception test I have tomorrow morning, but I have accomplished nothing. Every word that I read from the textbook is instantly met by thoughts of him and ricocheted right back through the retinas that they came through. I feel into a moment of drunk weakness on Sunday and called him twice. He ignored them both. So, naturally, I texted him a few times. That Monday morning I wouldn’t let myself read the texts obsessively but from what I gathered I said some things about how I know he hates and how I am having a very hard time with this still. He did respond to the texts, although, I have entirely blocked those words from my memory. From I do remember he was nice about everything. In the morning we exchanged some texts..me apologizing and saying that talking to him was too hard. He raised no objection to the idea of us not speaking for a while (we were already down to 2 conversations a month). I made it through the rest of Monday without letting myself feel much of anything at all. I even hung out with a beautiful boy that I know from home who likes mj just as much as I do. I was able to avoid spiraling into my thoughts almost all day Tuesday..until he called. My heart plummeted directly into my ass when I saw his number appear on my phone. We had 8 minutes of awkward conversation with the purpose of “checking up” he said. We talked about school and he told me that it is kinda weird not talking, but still that we were over. I just dont know what he is trying to accomplish by talking to me. Maybe just to make himself feel less guilty…but all i need is to be left alone.

Give me a break.

Im losing my fucking MIIIINNND. I just need all couples to go away and not be anywhere near me. Not that i dont want everyone to be happy..i do. I just dont want to watch or fucking talk about it. Period.

Word Vomit..

This whole thing is going to be honest. Im going to write as if no one was going to read this. So here it goes…

It’s almost been a month since Josh and I broke up, well since he broke with up me, and It’s finally sunk in that he and I are truly over and that there is no going back. The period to convince him how wonderful I really am has passed. That is if there ever was a period in which i would have been capable of convincing him that. I’ve been doing my best to pick myself up and continue to function again and for the most part it’s going pretty well. I can be alone now and once again I remember why I have always loved it. I have been meeting people and going out and hooking up and trying my best to act single even though I somehow still feel like Im cheating in a way. I guess the only thing that has been hard is having to live with Kierstan while she is with someone. I love Josue and I love her but sometimes it just sucks. She is currently going through a break up as well and so when she met someone as awesome as Josue she just kinda jumped into it and they almost instantly started unofficially dating. Im really happy for her, but i wish she would stop talking to me as if she is single because she really isnt and he is all she talks about. Maybe im just being nuts. Im probably just jealous. I just want someone to think im worth something. I thought Josh felt that way, but it was only temporary.

Uhhg I have so much to do and nothing of which i can afford to put off, but every time i think of doing homework I remember how much things have changed. Not that change is a bad thing, it’s more so just difficult to adjust to. I can acknowledge that Josh and I were not compatible fundamentally, but i can’t kick the part of me that want him in my life. I know so much about him and I care about him as a person so much. I dont want to not know about his mom and his grandmas or what he is doing with his life. But then again I want to know the Josh that cared about me. The josh that was invested and committed but that part is no longer there and I know that having him in my life would never be the same. It’s not what Im looking for and it certainly wouldn’t be what I have been miserably missing. I’m going to stop.